By: Leslie D. Register
Stop the “Should” Talk
Do these phrases sound familiar?
- I should have had a salad for lunch
- I should have gone to the gym after work
- I should have prayed with my children before bed
- I should have waited to send that email to my coworker
Honestly, how often do you “should” on yourself?
Our inner critic wins and keeps growing when we listen to its negative talk. It hopes we will turn to harmful vises like abusing alcohol, food, activities, harmful gossip, bullying, or even rage. These are all things sparked by fear and inflict harm on us and others.
It is time to change the narrative from I ‘should’ to I did, I will, I am, I can! “Nothing can dim the light that shines from within” ~Maya Angelou These few words from Maya Angelo are a game changer. Why? Because we all have a light within and while fear can try to burn it out, we can make choices to keep that light shining. Your light is critical to your wellness in how you live, work, love, and play. Let us explore ways to avoid the “I should”:
- First thought wrong – I sometimes like a cupcake for lunch. I do not do it all the time but sometimes a girl just eats cake! It is easy for me to let judgmental ‘Should’ creep into my thoughts and tell me “You should have had a salad.” Maybe it’s right? Do I really want to risk the unnecessary calories, gain weight, and risk never fitting into my favorite jeans again? These initial thoughts are the negative nuggets that want to shame my decision. At that first thought I can choose to “should” on myself or pause and wait for the next right thought. That pause leads to the narrative change where I am capable to talk back to the ‘inner critic’ and say, I can certainly have a cupcake and my jeans will still fit!
While this sounds simple it is not. It takes practice and a willingness to not let those crazy, frequently negative, thoughts control our entire thinking and attitude. We cannot control the random wave of thoughts that creep between our ears, but we can control how we respond.
2. Own your decision – Think about the grocery store parking lot. When have you wrestled with where to leave the empty shopping cart? I can scroll the parking lot for what feels like ages trying to decide where to leave the cart. Do I walk to the next aisle to drop it in the cart drop off? Do I leave it in the empty space next to my car? Do I walk it back into the store…oh my goodness where do I put the dreaded shopping cart? You leave it wherever you choose to leave it. Decide! Own your choice!
We can easily second guess our choice and then say, “I should have” done different. Why? If our intentions are good and honest than we can own the decision. The outcome may not be what we expected, but there is no way to control the what’s next.
3. Accept the outcomes – How often have you sat thinking about a message you want to say or an email you want to write? You craft the words; you practice scenarios of how the person might respond and your replies. You spend wasted hours worrying. You eat through a bag of chips, bite your nails, even get stuck in a yoga pose for too long. All this trying to control the outcome. Let it Roll! There is no way to control another person, place, or thing. If you have not rushed with your first thought, you are owning your decision, then you must simply let go and let the outcome unfold as it will.
This is the hardest part of relieving yourself of the dreaded ‘should’ shame. There will be times when outcomes are not as favorable as we hoped. Yet in those time we often reveal a new situation that needs managing that we may have missed had we not followed through with our choice.
Take Action:
To live, work and play through the guide of our inner light we must be willing and able to act. We know ourselves the best. Our values, beliefs, thoughts, and actions are uniquely our own. We can amend those items as we learn new things, and that is all a part of our willingness to make choices and live our truth. So, the next time negative “should” tries to creep into your thoughts, change your narrative and live your truth!