by: Leslie D. Register
I had been in AA for five months, working with a sponsor, going to meetings, doing Step work and even service work at a treatment center. But yet, I could not put down the drink.
I could put days and weeks together at a time, but I didn’t know how to live without the comfort I had found in the bottom of a bottle. My faith was in a liquid that calmed my fears, made me happier, and quieted the thoughts in my head.
Finally, the turning point came. It was a typical Monday morning. I went to a woman’s meeting, listened to an AA speaker CD in my car on the way to work and then that voice in my head started talking to me and convinced me that “to thine own self be true.” I thought I could work a program and still have one or two drinks a day. I truly believed this would work. I was not like the others. I was a closet; functioning alcoholic and I didn’t know it. I drove to the liquor store and bought a pint of vodka.
I poured half of the vodka into a bottle of cranberry juice and threw the remainder in the trash and then drank the cocktail. When I arrived at work, I sat in my car in the parking lot a few blocks away. The guilt and shame overwhelmed me. I felt so worthless. I had no willpower. I told myself no one would know. Tomorrow I wouldn’t drink. Tomorrow I would get back on track.
That evening I had a commitment with another AA member to chair a meeting at the treatment center where we had been chairing meetings for three weeks. I had wrestled with going, but my heart told me to go.
Full of shame, I barely spoke. In that meeting a man shared his story of relapsing after 11 months of sobriety. I looked into his eyes and knew that if I didn’t get honest with myself, I would be him: sitting in that chair, wearing those blue pants, grey shirt, and black flip flops, sleeping on the cot at the end of the hall, or worse, dead!
The next morning, I woke at 5 a.m. full of shame and fear. I told myself I had to get in or get out, stop lying to myself. I heard in my head, “I will carry you if you let me.” I knew God was there and it was time for me to let go and let God take over. I had believed I had to get myself well before I could ask for forgiveness or help. I had turned my back on God.
I am reminded that God seeks and calls the sick and suffering if we are willing and ready. My Higher Power’s love is unconditional. The Big Book tells me God is either everything or nothing. I rose that morning and emailed my sponsor knowing if I didn’t tell her immediately, I would drink again. I went to three meetings that day, talked to two other alcoholics and from that day forward, the obsession to drink was lifted and today my life is amazing.
One of the keys to my sobriety is service work. This is different from people pleasing because I am not changing my values or beliefs for the benefit of someone else. I am holding true to my beliefs, helping someone with their needs and expecting nothing in return. Giving back has been everything from offering to be an AA sponsor, sharing my experience, strength and hope with someone who is suffering, to volunteering in my child’s classroom, helping a friend move, or giving my time to a local charity event.
Why do I give back? Because service work saved my life! At three months sober, I became a caretaker for my mom who had been diagnosed with bladder cancer.
At five months sober, the treatment center where I continued to chair meetings gave me a new friend, who on the day she left the center and entered a shelter with only $36 chose to call me for help instead of picking up a drink.
Within six days, she received gifts of food, shelter, clothing, medical aid, work training, a bus pass, rides to meetings and a free cell phone to connect to others. Once homeless and full of fear, she was on the road to recovery.
All of this provided to her because of her willingness to ask for help, her decision not drink, and to do the next thing. By my Higher Power’s love, I was granted the gift, of being a part of her story through my readiness and willingness to help. Being part of her journey of recovery was amazing.
I would have missed all of this had I not been willing and ready to surrender to God’s will and place my faith in a Higher Power instead of the liquid in a bottle.